She Walked Away

Be my Valentine, Brad Zellar

This dedication is found in Brad Zellar's "House of Coates".

“Here’s to the prisoners of disenchantment, the lost, broken men bullied and inoculated against hope as children and eventually immunized against all notice or attention. To the lost boys and invisible men. To those who have been carved small by the glaciers of time and memory. To the fundamentally amnesiac, nurturers of the selective oblivion of the neglected. To the men who keep secrets even from themselves. To the ceaselessly retreating armies of the lonely. To the men who play hide and seek. Here’s to Lester B. Morrison.”

Really, Brad Zellar, why is every word you write a hot steel blade that tears into my flesh?

And, in case you missed a previous recommendation to you, this might be the only blog worth reading, most days:

 

http://yourmanforfuninrapidan.blogspot.com/

 

 

 

 

 

reflection and the luxury of choices

At the end of tomorrow, my birthday, I will have finished my first three weeks at my new job. I reflect about things every day, but this feels like an appropriate time to document my thoughts about all the change in my life.

First and foremost, I love my job. I love the company I am working for and the culture there. I am pleasantly surprised daily about how my education has prepared me for managing the complicated systems and specific details of my day-to-day responsibilities. I love that my department and my manager have confidence in my abilities and patience as I surf the learning curve.

I looked around the office my first week or so and looked at the items people had on and around their desks and offices. So far, this picture shows what I have decided to bring to and leave at work. I could bring photographs, but bringing paintings of my critters tells people a little more about me than snapshots would. I am working on a way to display paintings or sketches of Lys and Wilson to compliment the two pieces I have there.

Most days I get home from work and make sure everyone is fed, walked and fauned over to the best of my ability. When  sit down, I read a few blogs. Most of the blogs I read regularly depict the lives of people I admire and sometimes envy. Some are purely for entertainment, but the lifestyle blogs are the ones that inspire me and cause me to examine my own life carefully and thoughtfully.

Recently I have shared with friends that I can separate what I do for a living and my life - people have been doing that, successfully and otherwise, for years. It's true - I can learn this new industry, work hard when I am at work, then come home to what matters to me personally. I'm getting more used to my new routine, and I have permission not to check my business email and voicemail from home.

While it would be great to try to carve out a life as an artist, I know that by having a career I can make a living then come home and paint and play with my dogs and cats. Working, for now at least, will allow me to pay my bills, buy a new car (nothing fancy, but a great treat to me), buy good pet food and art supplies, and maybe put something away in case I ever have room for a donkey. Don't laugh. I want a donkey. Maybe I'll need two, or maybe the one donkey will need a second.

As long as I am able to work, and I am happy doing it, I see no need to daydream about something that's not an option yet. I haven't given up on things that could happen in an ideal world, or if I won the lottery, I have just put it in perspective for the time being. This type of thinking will inform my work as an artist, and that has to be a good thing.

Finally, I won't lose sight of the desperation I felt in July and August of this year. It puts a knot in my stomach just thinking about it now. Who knows what the future holds, so I will be grateful for today, remember the lessons I learned yesterday and look forward to the triumphs and challenges in my future.

a cool evening at last

My not-so-secret internet crush says things to his dog. Occasionally I re-read his post on the subject and pick a new favorite. Tonight it is this one:

"I wonder if it would be possible to breed fireflies indoors all year long and have them hovering around in the bedroom at night."

I worked today, I made my painting, I watched "A Face in the Crowd," and now I am headed out to sit in the back yard with my dogs and some citronella candles. I'll be back up and painting early tomorrow, but in the meantime, I like to imagine Brad saying things to Wendell, and I'll likely edit the ridiculous things I tend to say to Wilson and Parker a bit. If only there were fireflies out tonight - but sadly, I haven't seen any.