She Walked Away

Sick Day Reflection

I woke up not feeling well. I decided to call off from work.

I slept in a very little bit, then woke up to water my plants and knit. I've had a headache for weeks and a stomachache for days. These activities were the easiest things to do while I was feeling puny and sorry for myself.

This was actually taken Sunday while it was raining.

This was taken about 2 skeins ago. Making a super-gigantic garter stitch scarf in scandalous RED!

My decision to go out for coffee and toast proved a good one late in the morning. I went to a neighborhood restaurant that just opened its outdoor seating for the season. I took a book and read while I sipped my coffee (mine is better) and enjoyed some whole wheat toast with strawberry preserves.

I took a book that I had read rather quickly a few months ago. I was two chapters in before I realized that I really didn't remember reading it at all. It was the catalyst for my reflective day - thinking about my general malaise and dissatisfaction with things. The small amount of reading that I did made me want to read more, to paint and to write.

More on that later...

This past weekend I took a little road trip to a hard-to-find inn. The inn was hosting a wine festival, but I chose to just enjoy the drive and to walk around the grounds for the day. The property is next to a horse camp, and the parking lot was pretty full:

It was a great day, spent with a friend from years ago.

This wasn't the getaway I described a while back, but it was a step in the right direction. This was a Saturday trip that lead to reflection as I planted vegetables and flowers in the rain on Sunday. My reflection continued, and evolved, today.

 

reflection and the luxury of choices

At the end of tomorrow, my birthday, I will have finished my first three weeks at my new job. I reflect about things every day, but this feels like an appropriate time to document my thoughts about all the change in my life.

First and foremost, I love my job. I love the company I am working for and the culture there. I am pleasantly surprised daily about how my education has prepared me for managing the complicated systems and specific details of my day-to-day responsibilities. I love that my department and my manager have confidence in my abilities and patience as I surf the learning curve.

I looked around the office my first week or so and looked at the items people had on and around their desks and offices. So far, this picture shows what I have decided to bring to and leave at work. I could bring photographs, but bringing paintings of my critters tells people a little more about me than snapshots would. I am working on a way to display paintings or sketches of Lys and Wilson to compliment the two pieces I have there.

Most days I get home from work and make sure everyone is fed, walked and fauned over to the best of my ability. When  sit down, I read a few blogs. Most of the blogs I read regularly depict the lives of people I admire and sometimes envy. Some are purely for entertainment, but the lifestyle blogs are the ones that inspire me and cause me to examine my own life carefully and thoughtfully.

Recently I have shared with friends that I can separate what I do for a living and my life - people have been doing that, successfully and otherwise, for years. It's true - I can learn this new industry, work hard when I am at work, then come home to what matters to me personally. I'm getting more used to my new routine, and I have permission not to check my business email and voicemail from home.

While it would be great to try to carve out a life as an artist, I know that by having a career I can make a living then come home and paint and play with my dogs and cats. Working, for now at least, will allow me to pay my bills, buy a new car (nothing fancy, but a great treat to me), buy good pet food and art supplies, and maybe put something away in case I ever have room for a donkey. Don't laugh. I want a donkey. Maybe I'll need two, or maybe the one donkey will need a second.

As long as I am able to work, and I am happy doing it, I see no need to daydream about something that's not an option yet. I haven't given up on things that could happen in an ideal world, or if I won the lottery, I have just put it in perspective for the time being. This type of thinking will inform my work as an artist, and that has to be a good thing.

Finally, I won't lose sight of the desperation I felt in July and August of this year. It puts a knot in my stomach just thinking about it now. Who knows what the future holds, so I will be grateful for today, remember the lessons I learned yesterday and look forward to the triumphs and challenges in my future.

It's not me, it's them...

This week I got two definitive rejections from two potential employers. One was a library job (sort of) and I was actually relieved not to get an offer. The place looked like a snoot-ified pressure cooker, and I had more than mulled over taking that job and being miserable until I could find a better one.

The second rejection came late today from a company that fell outside the description of anything I imagined myself doing for a living. That company consisted of lots of busy, happy people who seemed really content to be working. I was confident I could do the job - Renaissance Woman that I am - but I was really attracted to the environment and looked forward to an offer. I was really disappointed to be turned down.

This past Monday, I attended an orientation session to substitute teach for a school district. It's an option - not an attractive one - to keep me under a roof that's not my car for a while, but I'm very worried.

This coming Monday I have an interview for another job that I never imagined myself doing. I find the job description interesting, and one that I can quickly learn and do well. It is another opportunity to pay the bills, but would allow me to still have a life and be able to paint and relax when I am not at work.

I'm okay with work being work and my life being my life. One makes the other possible. Wish me luck. I need to be able to keep the critters fed, and I am hopeful about Monday. I have delayed applying for my substitute teaching license and required background check (I would need to sub a day or two just to break even on that investment, actually, but it would cover me for subbing in two different school districts) until after my interview Monday.

I'll be painting in the morning tomorrow with the phone off. I plan to meet my parents in the afternoon for a movie and dinner. Sunday I plan to clear out the front porch as studio space for winter painting. I can't make any investment in materials, so it's just going to get a purge and a scrub for now. Hopefully, I will be working soon, and I hope to set aside something every month to invest in converting my garage to a studio by spring or summer. I had dreamt of that before, but never imagined a job search to be heading into month 9 with no offers.

Every no gets me closer to a yes. That's my story for now, anyway.

Back to the Brush

I put my meltdown on hold for the day and decided to paint. I can't show what I am working on here, as it is an award for the top fund-raiser for my local Humane Society. I have mentioned before that I volunteer for the shelter where I got Wilson and Parker, and this painting is one of the things I do for them.

I was painting outside with the house opened up as we are experiencing some gorgeous weather. It's supposed to heat up later today, but sleeping with a fan in the window and dragging fresh air into the house all morning rank right up there with the best parts of life. I heard my phone ringing at one point and considered darting in to answer it - but I thought better of that. It's a tough call when you're desperately looking for a job, but I rely on technology - including voicemail - to avoid missing the right call. Turns out that call was from a recruiter for a life insurance agency. It seems that is one job everyone seems to think I should try. I get voicemail and email about insurance almost daily. No thanks. I would sooner stick a needle in my eye.

 

 

a cool evening at last

My not-so-secret internet crush says things to his dog. Occasionally I re-read his post on the subject and pick a new favorite. Tonight it is this one:

"I wonder if it would be possible to breed fireflies indoors all year long and have them hovering around in the bedroom at night."

I worked today, I made my painting, I watched "A Face in the Crowd," and now I am headed out to sit in the back yard with my dogs and some citronella candles. I'll be back up and painting early tomorrow, but in the meantime, I like to imagine Brad saying things to Wendell, and I'll likely edit the ridiculous things I tend to say to Wilson and Parker a bit. If only there were fireflies out tonight - but sadly, I haven't seen any.

 

 

Substitute Night Supervisor

I have been picking up shifts at the library for one of our night supervisors, as he is on vacation. I have learned many things, and I have had lots of opportunities to practice patience and good management.

Sometimes, the customer is NOT right. It is not unusual for people to take out their bad moods on the librarian on the other end of the phone. People can be lonely. It never hurts to talk with them for a few minutes if there is no one waiting behind them. Because I am grateful for the hours and the experience, I am rather enjoying working so much this week.

I came home today in the scorching heat and decided to set up an umbrella for the harsh sun (and also for the much needed rain that never happened). I painted the border collie of Jon Katz, Red.

Read about my painting of Red and my 30 Pets in 30 Days project here.

Read about Red and Jon Katz here, and about Jon's wife Maria here.

I'm indoors now, in pretty desperate need of a shower, and delighted to hear thunder outside. Maybe I will put off the shower long enough to dance around in the rain.

the busiest unemployed artist/librarian ever

After making my daily painting (of Rags) yesterday, I set out to do some desk work. So much for a day off.

I worked on my application for a local fellowship that I am really, really wanting to get. I think fellowships are designed to bridge the gap between an academic career and a professional one. The process is somewhat gruelling, and I really have no idea how competitive the field of candidates might be. I have done my due diligence and met with excellent advisors and mentors, and I have secured excellent recommendations.

Next, I worked on my syllabus, course outline, calendar, and assignment sheets for the class I am teaching this fall. I am happy with the amount of work I have completed, but there is still a lot to complete - it will be such a comfort to have everything ready weeks before the semester begins.

Last, but not least, I completed my application packet to substitute teach at a nearby school system. It isn't ideal - but it might keep me from losing my house before I secure a job (or a fellowship!).

It was 89 degrees at 11:00 pm when I tried to go to sleep. Mentally and physically spent, I just stared into my dark room for an hour or so before dozng off.

Early today (7:00 am), I was out making today's painting.

I am so grateful for my painting project. The weather and my lack of employment are leaving me pretty blue, but the project keeps me challenged. I am not happy with all of my paintings, but I am learning so much and developing methods for finishing paintings quickly. When I look at the painting later, or an image of it, I realize why I do best with a deadline - even if it is self-imposed. I also know what I can accomplish in what amount of time so that when I do have a job, I can still work in painting and commissions.

After painting I tried to cool off and relax for a bit, but checked my email first. I was called in to work a double shift at the library. Summer shifts are short, so a double is the equivalent of a little more than one full-time day. I am grateful for the hours - I can use the money - but I know that this 16 hour-per-week job will come to a grinding halt in mid-August.

 

What a day already!

My dogs made pretty quick work of a rabbit that had the misfortune of being in my back yard this morning.

I can't help but think that the poor bunny was simply looking for something green to eat or some water to drink. The drought means that neither was likely. He may have just come from my neighbor's garden, though. While my neighbor may not like a rabbit in his beautiful garden, I hope that the wild critters are able to find something - anything - in these dreadful conditions.

I've seen hawks in my neighborhood (vultures aren't far off), and I hope that one has already found the bunny. The food chain would at least be a winner today.

I also had a painting to make today. I wanted to get to it as early as possible so that I could take full advantage of the shade. There was even a little breeze to keep me company while I painted. The dogs even settled down pretty quickly and kept me company.

Rags (detail). Part of my 30 Pets in 30 Days project.