She Walked Away

reflection and the luxury of choices

At the end of tomorrow, my birthday, I will have finished my first three weeks at my new job. I reflect about things every day, but this feels like an appropriate time to document my thoughts about all the change in my life.

First and foremost, I love my job. I love the company I am working for and the culture there. I am pleasantly surprised daily about how my education has prepared me for managing the complicated systems and specific details of my day-to-day responsibilities. I love that my department and my manager have confidence in my abilities and patience as I surf the learning curve.

I looked around the office my first week or so and looked at the items people had on and around their desks and offices. So far, this picture shows what I have decided to bring to and leave at work. I could bring photographs, but bringing paintings of my critters tells people a little more about me than snapshots would. I am working on a way to display paintings or sketches of Lys and Wilson to compliment the two pieces I have there.

Most days I get home from work and make sure everyone is fed, walked and fauned over to the best of my ability. When  sit down, I read a few blogs. Most of the blogs I read regularly depict the lives of people I admire and sometimes envy. Some are purely for entertainment, but the lifestyle blogs are the ones that inspire me and cause me to examine my own life carefully and thoughtfully.

Recently I have shared with friends that I can separate what I do for a living and my life - people have been doing that, successfully and otherwise, for years. It's true - I can learn this new industry, work hard when I am at work, then come home to what matters to me personally. I'm getting more used to my new routine, and I have permission not to check my business email and voicemail from home.

While it would be great to try to carve out a life as an artist, I know that by having a career I can make a living then come home and paint and play with my dogs and cats. Working, for now at least, will allow me to pay my bills, buy a new car (nothing fancy, but a great treat to me), buy good pet food and art supplies, and maybe put something away in case I ever have room for a donkey. Don't laugh. I want a donkey. Maybe I'll need two, or maybe the one donkey will need a second.

As long as I am able to work, and I am happy doing it, I see no need to daydream about something that's not an option yet. I haven't given up on things that could happen in an ideal world, or if I won the lottery, I have just put it in perspective for the time being. This type of thinking will inform my work as an artist, and that has to be a good thing.

Finally, I won't lose sight of the desperation I felt in July and August of this year. It puts a knot in my stomach just thinking about it now. Who knows what the future holds, so I will be grateful for today, remember the lessons I learned yesterday and look forward to the triumphs and challenges in my future.

It's not me, it's them...

This week I got two definitive rejections from two potential employers. One was a library job (sort of) and I was actually relieved not to get an offer. The place looked like a snoot-ified pressure cooker, and I had more than mulled over taking that job and being miserable until I could find a better one.

The second rejection came late today from a company that fell outside the description of anything I imagined myself doing for a living. That company consisted of lots of busy, happy people who seemed really content to be working. I was confident I could do the job - Renaissance Woman that I am - but I was really attracted to the environment and looked forward to an offer. I was really disappointed to be turned down.

This past Monday, I attended an orientation session to substitute teach for a school district. It's an option - not an attractive one - to keep me under a roof that's not my car for a while, but I'm very worried.

This coming Monday I have an interview for another job that I never imagined myself doing. I find the job description interesting, and one that I can quickly learn and do well. It is another opportunity to pay the bills, but would allow me to still have a life and be able to paint and relax when I am not at work.

I'm okay with work being work and my life being my life. One makes the other possible. Wish me luck. I need to be able to keep the critters fed, and I am hopeful about Monday. I have delayed applying for my substitute teaching license and required background check (I would need to sub a day or two just to break even on that investment, actually, but it would cover me for subbing in two different school districts) until after my interview Monday.

I'll be painting in the morning tomorrow with the phone off. I plan to meet my parents in the afternoon for a movie and dinner. Sunday I plan to clear out the front porch as studio space for winter painting. I can't make any investment in materials, so it's just going to get a purge and a scrub for now. Hopefully, I will be working soon, and I hope to set aside something every month to invest in converting my garage to a studio by spring or summer. I had dreamt of that before, but never imagined a job search to be heading into month 9 with no offers.

Every no gets me closer to a yes. That's my story for now, anyway.

Back to the Brush

I put my meltdown on hold for the day and decided to paint. I can't show what I am working on here, as it is an award for the top fund-raiser for my local Humane Society. I have mentioned before that I volunteer for the shelter where I got Wilson and Parker, and this painting is one of the things I do for them.

I was painting outside with the house opened up as we are experiencing some gorgeous weather. It's supposed to heat up later today, but sleeping with a fan in the window and dragging fresh air into the house all morning rank right up there with the best parts of life. I heard my phone ringing at one point and considered darting in to answer it - but I thought better of that. It's a tough call when you're desperately looking for a job, but I rely on technology - including voicemail - to avoid missing the right call. Turns out that call was from a recruiter for a life insurance agency. It seems that is one job everyone seems to think I should try. I get voicemail and email about insurance almost daily. No thanks. I would sooner stick a needle in my eye.

 

 

Sink or swim

I'll admit that I am sinking.

I posted last week about my struggles to find a job - any job - after completing my master's degree. I stand by what I wrote, but I took it down because it made me angry just to look at it. I completely regret graduate school. I am saddled with debt that I will never be able to repay. I have an advanced degree that is not taken seriously, and I am being overlooked for even entry-level jobs because I have that degree. I will need to negotiate and barter just to get my loan payments to a reasonable amount - and that's IF I get a job.

That's a really big if.

I've had well-meaning friends encourage me not to give up, and while I appreciate that they likely don't know what to say, I wish to reassure them that giving up is not an option. If for no other reason, I have four little mouths to feed other than my own, and I'll move into my car and mow people's lawns before I fail to feed them.

I'm losing it, there's little doubt about that, but I am treading water as I prepare to take off again. I will likely be quiet here for a while, but there is something cathartic about letting it all out every once in a while.

 

 

 

 

30 Pets in 30 Days? Check!

I completed my painting this morning, marking 30 consecutive days of making at least one painting each day. I made a bonus painting one day, so I have actually painted 31. I also have more paintings to do, so it's up in the air whether or not I'll make a painting tomorrow. I have an unusually busy week ahead.

I hadn't anticipated the oppressive heat and drought conditions we would have in July, so I painted more watercolors than I originally set out to. The project was successful on many levels. It got me painting again, it helped me keep my mind off of my still-unemployed status. Things are looking up in that regard, but nothing concrete to report.

Parker. Oil on panel. 8" x 10"

 

After a lunchtime nap, I have run my errands, had an early dinner, and now I am watching Brief Encounter. I'm about 25 minutes into it, so I stopped to post this and to pour myself a glass of wine.

Like I mentioned before - busy week ahead.

 

and these two, too

Parker (taken before the drought killed all the grass in the picture below).

Wilson sniffs wistfully at the dead, dead grass.

Big Day

I have a very important interview today. I won't post about it in detail until I know the outcome, but it is a pretty big deal.

It's another hot day today - not ideal for wearing a suit and trying to appear cool. I started my day early with my daily painting:

Now I'm taking the dogs out for a bit, then leaving for my interview. When it rains it pours, apparently, because I had an interview yesterday and I have one next week already. I would like to request that actual rain follow suit and come on down. I've gotten strangely used to the oppressive heat, but farmers and animals aren't as fortunate in these conditions.

I quicked Wilson (insert pout here)

Two dogs. Nine nails down and YELP! I quicked Wilson.

An hour after it happened, he was still leaving a little red trail through the house and I needed to leave for work. I headed into the kitchen, grabbed a teaspoon of flour and proceeded to stop the bleeding. I hoped so, anyway, because Wilson generally hangs out on my bed all day when I'm not home.

After work, I was anxious to see him. I was prepared to throw away my perfectly good 600 thread-count sheets. I was anxious to see Parker, too. And the cats.

All's well that ends well, they say, and Wilson gave me every indication that he put the injury I inflicted upon him behind us.

What a guy.

a cool evening at last

My not-so-secret internet crush says things to his dog. Occasionally I re-read his post on the subject and pick a new favorite. Tonight it is this one:

"I wonder if it would be possible to breed fireflies indoors all year long and have them hovering around in the bedroom at night."

I worked today, I made my painting, I watched "A Face in the Crowd," and now I am headed out to sit in the back yard with my dogs and some citronella candles. I'll be back up and painting early tomorrow, but in the meantime, I like to imagine Brad saying things to Wendell, and I'll likely edit the ridiculous things I tend to say to Wilson and Parker a bit. If only there were fireflies out tonight - but sadly, I haven't seen any.